Things that are ridiculous today

Killer Whale: I know I shouldn’t be amused by someone dying, but you’ve got this “killer” whale (named Tilly) who’s already “killed” two people before at other aquariums and then gets confine to yet another swimming pool and is forced her to learn stupid tricks in order to amuse people and make lots of money for  Seaworld and then everyone is shocked (the crowd, reportedly,  gasped) when she kills her trainer? 

Why don’t we leave these animals in the ocean where they belong? No Killer Whale has ever killed a human in the wild.  It is really important to anyone’s life to watch a captive whale bounce a beachball on his or her nose? Okay, so this one turned out not to be so funny after all.

See how happy and unkilly they are in the ocean?

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Mel Gibson:  He’s been making me laugh for a long time in an “why are people still paying money to watch this guy” way. Now we get to laugh even more because he’s written some poems which are being set to music for his girlfriend’s latest CD. Mel says:

I always felt the poetic urge coming, so I’ve been providing lyrics and stuff for a few of her songs. I’ve been writing poetry and stuff since I was a teenager. Didn’t want to admit that to my friends.

And by “poetic urge” I think Mel means “insane racist rant”.  I don’t know what he means by “and stuff”. Maybe that’s just an example of the poet in him talking.

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Maxime Bernier: Former Conservative cabinet ministers are almost as hilarious as current conservative cabinet ministers and former and current prime ministers. Bernier issued this statement the other day:

The Conservative government would be irresponsible to spend billions of dollars to reduce greenhouse gas emissions given the contradictory science available.

Bloc Québécois Leader Gilles Duceppe said, ” Mr. Bernier’s expertise lies more in Jos Louis than climate change.”  Sounds like some sort of inside joke.  I wish he’d explained the inside joke, because it’s probably pretty funny. Here’s a Jos Louis for those who may not know:

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Wieners: Turns out wieners aren’t as funny as we thought they were. As Lebowski mentioned in a comment last week, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) wants manufacturers to redesign hotdogs so that they stop killing our children. Apparently, wieners kill 1.6 children a year in the US. That’s only the ones killed from choking on wieners and doesn’t include the ones killed by the sodium nitrates and/or internal beak lacerations.

 Other killer items the AAP is looking at changing are: hard candy, nuts, grapes, popcorn, marshmallows, peanut butter, chewing gum and raw carrots.

Seriously. That’s what they said.

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Oprah: I know, I know – it’s really old and boring to mock Oprah, but it’s just so damn easy. Now Oprah is auctioning off her clothes, purses and shoes. The online auction will  run from March 1st - March 11th on this eBay site.

How awesome would it be to be able to wrap up in an old bathrobe that actually enveloped Oprah’s wet, naked flesh?

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28 responses to “Things that are ridiculous today

  1. I’m curious to know that Whale’s history … like, was it born in captivity or was it caught? Either way, I’m not sure how an animal that kills a person is simply sold to the next place … curious, no?

  2. Even the name: KILLER whale. a) they’re not killers and b) they’re dolphins. And for the record, I’d kill anyone who made me bounce a ball on my nose.

    Mel Gibson – shudder

    Maxime Bernier – ditto

    Wieners – what happens to the 0.4 child? And you’re gonna redesign grapes and carrots and popcorn how?

    Oprah – she just wants to justify a shopping spree. And see comment on Bernier and Gibson.

  3. Great post.

    Hot Dogs: perhaps we should change them to vagina shaped? I think a friend of mine put it best the other day when she said, “maybe we shouldn’t change the shape of hot dogs, maybe we should teach our kids TO CHEW.”

    Mel Gibson Poetry: A new subversive place to express racism indeed…that is until he introduces the new poetry genre “the Jewku”.

    Killer Whale: Maybe people are getting confused by the term “killer”. You know, like the word “bad” it can sometimes mean “good” in slang terms. I suggest we rename them “GIANT FISH MAMMALS THAT WILL KILL YOU.” Then perhaps things will be clear?

  4. Quack – So far I think all the previous convictions are just rumours and that maybe Tilly didn’t actually kill these people so much as she was in the vicinity when they ended up dead…ahem…I don’t think there was ever a trial. In any case, I think it was justifiable homicide or self defense or something.

    Heather – Oh, thanks. I don’t know how I missed all that.

    Jazz – I know.. condemned to guilt before she even did anything. Although I guess they do kill a lot of seals out there in the ocean and you know how everyone feels about seal killing. As for the grapes and carrots and popcorn – maybe they’ll just make them illegal for kids. Like booze is illegal for kids because it could kill them.

    Kim – By golly! I think you might be on to something with that chewing thing. Now we just have to set up some sort of government-funded learning centre… And no, people will never learn that stuff like “Man Eating Tiger” will pose a danger to actual Man. Or that the “wild” part of wild animals is an indicator of unpredictability – and not in the fun “happy birthday surprise” way.

    Grouchy – I like to finish things off with a bang. I hope you didn’t die from that wurst. They’re very dangerous, you know. 1.6 kids can’t be wrong.

    Justin – Yes, I missed all this important Vachon cake news somewhere along the line. Thanks. It’s only funny because Gilles Duceppe was ridiculing him for it. I’m sure the troops weren’t all that keen on getting a stupid box of plastic cake-like substances.

  5. Sad for the trainer that died. But I can’t hardly blame the whale.

    If I were an intelligent animial, forced into captivity and made to perform stupid tricks for the amusement of hairlessm hooting apes, I’d probably go ballilsitc too.

    I mean, what’s the worst thing that can happen? They destroy the whale?

    How much worse would that be, as opposed to living a sentence in Seaworld Jail, separated from your own kind, stuck in a tiny pool?

  6. Wow, stop the presses 1.6 children killed annually by hotdogs. Sad for those 1.6 families, but don’t we have better, more deadly problems to deal with first. Priorities.

  7. Tilly is Tillikum, a 14,000 pound male whale they keep for breeding purposes. Tilly does not do tricks or interact with people. It was an accident as far as I can tell. But I agree that they are too large to keep in captivity. Dolphins should be free to go also. They are not quite free at the Dolphin Research Center where I went but they can get out of they want to and sometimes they do. Also, when there is a hurricane or high water, they can swim away but they always return. Some are born there and stay there. But most arrive because of injury or transfer from another facility. But in my opinion, Orcas are too big for pens.

    Orcas are the largest of the toothed whales – dolphins are small, toothed whales.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Toothed_whale
    They are all highly intelligent, social species.

  8. Yeah good luck with the nuts, carrots and grapes.

    As for Oprah, I doubt she has an old bathrobe. She only sheets on sleeps (ha ha!) She only sleeps on sheets twice. Or maybe that’s before having them cleaned. If it’s for charity, I’m all for it. And hey, finally a celebrity auctioning clothes that aren’t size 0.

  9. Nice. I love the bit about the wieners. 1.6 children? Now I feel downright sorry for the parents of the 1.6 children who choked on a hot dog but does it really warrant this type of investigation into hard candy, nuts, grapes, popcorn, marshmallows, peanut butter, chewing gum and raw carrots? I bet that study was paid for by the U.S. Government.

  10. How about Pizza? That hot gooey cheese that clots up in your throat or strings down…Pizza is deadly…children should not eat pizza, especially when swimming with killer whales. Killer Whales should be banned from being in captivaty so that they can’t eat kids eating pizza while swimming at Seaworld.

  11. You all thought I was bullshitting when I said that about hotdogs?
    Tilly didn’t kill 3 people – 2 tops!
    The one in the middle was an inebriated trespasser.
    He was captured rather young from what I understand. The other night that Jack guy who used to work the San Diego Zoo said that seaworld does some very important research. Don’t ask me why or what.
    I think that they should put warnings on all manners of foods. Grapes may contain pits. Popcorm may contain corn. Peanut butter may contain peanuts – but should not be confused with butter which may contain milk fat.
    Mel Gibson may contain “Jew hating asshole”
    Sorry but I agree with Bernier. If the science is contradictory then it may be a good idea to ease off – and please don’t say that it ISN’T. The recent “Climate-gate” scandal has thrown enough doubt on the “humans causing climate change” argument. I am not saying that IT IS NOT BECAUSE IT MAY VERY WELL BE.
    But it would be very irresponsible for all that money to be pissed away if it is in fact wrong.
    A product I used to see may very big news locally when David Suzuki when asked about them called them an “ABORTION AND ABOMINATION” – and he had no fucking idea what he was talking about.
    If that is the kind of veracity that “climate scientists” have used in coming up with their conclusions then it behooves us to take another look.
    (Oh and by the way – recently over 1000 architects and engineers signed a petition to re-examine the NIST report on 9/11. What wasn’t mentioned was that included were Landscape Architects and “Sanitation engineers”)
    Richard Feynman actually earned the Nobel Prize because he decided to go back to the original data on an experiment and discovered HUGE errors in the conclusions – which were previously readily accepted. The veracity of the original conclusions on climate change have been tainted by the “adjustments” that some climatologists made to data. Until billions (trillions?) of dollars are spent – these ORIGINAL results have to be reviewed and re-analyzed.

  12. i fully agree with your thoughts on killer whales. they should leave the damn whales where they belong.

    mel gibson: *yawn*

    wieners: i had no idea this was a problem.

    oprah: i used to be a huge oprah fan but i’m ready for her to go. did you know she’s an aquarian?

  13. Ha! Good luck with them changing carrots and grapes! I was kust talking with someone yesterday about the killer whale incident. When will people get it that wild animals are just that – wild?

    And I thought Mr. Throw-back hyper-Catholic Gibson was married?

  14. I don’t want to get into a huge Global Warming debate, but I agree with Lebowski.

    If the science is contradictory (and it is…!), then maybe we should ease off, before we spend billions.

    Not saying that we shouldn’t do something to reduce our emissions, but let’s learn a little more what all the REAL facts are first.

    Or, instead of pissing billions away to other countries as “Carbon Credits”, whey dont’ we just keep that money, and invest it into R&D to develop clean, renewable sources of energy?

    Just sayin’

  15. Friar – I guess it’s sad, but I have a hard time buying into the whole media hype about what a “tragedy” this is and how “horrible” for the spectators. Reap what you sow; reap what you sow…as you say.

    Dr. Monkey – Then my work here is done.

    Sean – Ya, most of these stupid issues are parental neglect not product issues. You don’t give your toddler and wiener and let him run around with it. Sit him down, cut it up, stay with him while he chews it properly.

    Julia – Well, that’s good to know. What’s all this talk about spectators then? And it was Seaworld, right? Isn’t that an entertainment venue rather than a research venue? And why would they name a male whale Tilly. No wonder he’s pissed off.

    Geewits – I know, it just made me laugh when I saw it on the news – Oprah clearing out her closet. Like it’s a big old yard sale or something. She’s probably never worn any of the stuff she’s selling. They were probably gifts from some of the zillions of companies that give her stuff hoping she’ll promote their brand.

    Charlene – Like I said to Sean, they would do better to get parents to have their kids learn how to sit at the table and eat proper meals.

    Cedar – Funny you should say that because there is actually a story of a kid choking on pizza. The mother tried Heimlich and it didn’t work and she finally had to reach in and pull this 2 foot glob of cheese out of her kid’s throat. Obviously some places put too much cheese on their pizza. And you’re quite right about banning the whales – much more au courante than saving them.

    Lebowski – Look at you getting all scientific and rational. I understand what you’re saying about irrefutable scientific data being re-examined and “adjusted” later on. They do it with what foods are good for us all the time, for instance. And yes, I’m sure we don’t have the last word on climate change in our hands right now either. So, it makes sense not to start pouring billions of dollars into it. However, I think science has shown us enough to know that something is happening and even common sense will tell us that to continue to spew all this crap into our environment just can’t be good in the long run. So, I don’t think it’s smart to take a “let’s wait and see” attitude either – which seems to be what Bernier and his disciples are advocating. Thanks for the comment.

    Leah – No, I never thought to look up Oprah’s sign. I don’t like Oprah.

    SAW – I think Mel divorced the wife with whom he has a couple dozen children and has been shacked up with some singer chick for the last couple of years. You really have to keep up with your Entertainment Tonight gossip. No really, I only know this because there was a little thing in the paper on it the other day and I can’t resist retarded Mel Gibson quotes. And now I’m off to see your inspired post! Thanks

    Friar – See my response to Lebowski.

  16. Well, thanks a whole lot!
    I hadn’t read your latest post and was settling to my traditional Friday breakfast special from the caf… when whammo! I read the Oprah thing.
    Anyone want some bacon, eggs, brown toast and homefries?

  17. “Why don’t we leave these animals in the ocean where they belong?”
    To some extent I agree. (With your opinion on the first article) Animals should not be forced to perform tricks for humans, but I volunteered for a zoo and many of the animals there would’ve otherwise perished in the wild because of human encroachment and greed. (ie poaching, hunting, etc) Some zoos work at saving certain species from extinction by breeding them, which improves their odds of future generations surviving. Plus, they research these animals in order to better understand them.

    What really pisses me off are events like circuses (ie. Ringling Bros.) who force elephants and tigers to perform tricks and that is their sole reason for keeping them in captivity. Many of these animals are physically and psychological damaged and abused by their trainers. And then SURPRISE, they go nuts!

  18. Julie – I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you and I hope you do a post complete with photos if you win it!!

    Trashy – I’m saving you from high cholesterol and heart disease, so you’re quite welcome.

    Pauline – I completely agree. I know there are zoos which do good work and research and even maintain species that were on their way to extinction. I was objecting to exactly what you’re objecting to — animal performers. I’m still not entirely sure what the situation was with Tilly and Seaworld. In any case, Tilly was just doing what comes naturally.

  19. Lester – I’m mostly sad for the whale. The humans chose a job working with dangerous wild animals and the spectators shouldn’t be supporting captive animal performers anyway.