I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

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There’s a small island in the Indian Ocean called Mayotte that has just voted to become part of France like Martinique and Guadaloupe. Until now, its status has been a French “oversees community.” The problem is that most of the residents of Mayotte are Muslims and practice polygamy.

Polygamy is illegal in France and so the Mayottes have been told they have to stop having more than one spouse.

Although condoned by both the Judeo-Christian Bible and the Koran, polygamy is illegal in most of the world, including all western countries and some Islamic countries. Only some Muslim states, like Saudi Arabia, and some African societies still allow it.

Why is polygamy a crime?

If someone wants more than one spouse and all the people involved are legally adults and happy with the arrangement, what’s the problem?

The anti-polygamists always drag out the “preservation of the sanctity of marriage” argument (where have we heard that one before?). People fear that the children of polygamous families will grow up confused about family life. They wonder what will happen if there’s a divorce. Will kids be taken away from their half-siblings as well as their other parent(s)?

I think polygamy makes a lot more sense than our traditional idea of marriage. The fantastical, romantic married couple as soul mates, two becoming one, cleaving unto each other and only each other until death is unrealistic. Divorce statistics bear that out. Loving only one person for life doesn’t happen much anymore. It’s an ideal —  a product of our particular time, place and culture.

Polygamy had been the norm in many societies throughout the world from the beginning of time to quite recently. Most of the animal kingdom is polygamous. It’s the natural order of things.

It until 1862 that polygamy was made illegal in the US.

Polygamy is not about the stereotypical sheik with harem of women at his disposal for fornication purposes. It’s a commitment made between three or more individuals to work together and love each other as partners and raise a family.

The polygamous family has far fewer pressures to deal with. Kids are raised under a wider influence of adults and siblings. Kids have more role models; more creative, emotional, intellectual, spiritual and physical resources.

There is a greater support system. There are more providers, both in a financial and emotional sense in a polygamous family. One or even two people losing their jobs doesn’t have to spell disaster for the family. Two people not being able to agree on disciplining a child or other domestic issues isn’t the huge problem it often is in two-parent families.

There’s so much divorce; so much unhappiness in marriages today. And there are many more people living lies; trapped in frustrating, loveless marriages, and/or carrying on extra-marital affairs. Wanting to leave, but not able to. If they had an alternate spouses, or even co-spouses, they’d have others to share their lives, their problems, their joys.

Marriage carries huge expectations. People expect their spouses to be good lovers, partners, help-mates, emotional supports, parents, providers, intellectual equals, confidants, companions, friends, etc., etc. That’s a lot to put on one person.

I won’t pretend that everyone would be happy in a polygamous family. Some people are perfectly happy and content with their current situation. That’s great. But why are the alternative options illegal?

If, for some reason I was no longer allowed to be single, I would much rather live in a polygamous marriage than a one-on-one marriage. The polygynous kind, though, where I was one of several wives;  not the polyandrous kind. (I’m not surprised that one never really took off).

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I know, that was terribly sexist and hurtful. I’m sorry.

Really, the best combination would be a few husbands and a few wives. One big happy family.

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41 responses to “I do. I do. I do. I do. I do.

  1. I also think it’s human nature to be jealous and territorial, which is why it wouldn’t work out so well for me. not just jealous/territorial about the man, but about homelife (how you cook, fold laundry, raise children) – that would be too hard.

    Did you see oprah yesterday? She interviewed members in the Yearning for Zion ranch in Texas. Creepy stuff.

  2. I know people who are polyamorous, but personally I’m not a fan. Two people in a relationship is complicated enough, nevermind, more than that. I agree with you, though, its not fair if its one man and a bunch of women and the women are expected to be faithful. Better to have a mixed bag of people, if you’re going to do that sort of thing.

  3. I disagree about loving one person for life not happening any more.

    We got married in 1972.

    Only 3 of my wife’s eleven siblings have been divorced, though I must admit only 1 of my 5 siblings is still married to their first spouse.

    I personally think that a polygamous relationship would bring more problems in the relationship than not, especially in a society where it is not the norm.

    However, I don’t necessarily think that it is wrong or a “sin.”

  4. Meanie – Ya, I think it’s important for each person to have their own space, but if someone want to help me fold laundry or clean the kitchen or take over the cooking a few days a week, I say “have at it!” As for raising your kids – they’ll still be your kids, but you have a built-in support system. No mother alive doesn’t seek advice from other women. And wouldn’t it be great to always have someone there who loves them almost as much as you? And knows them almost as well as you do? Jealousy and territorialism is taught I think – not innate human qualities. And please don’t tell me Oprah did polygamy yesterday? It’s a shame that whenever we see an example of it, it’s always these creepy religious zealots.

    Hannah – I think there would be less complications – or at least less intense complications in a group dynamic. Much of the animosity, dissatisfaction between spouses is because they are there and end up being the brunt of all your issues no matter where they originate. A larger group means more emotional outlets and supports.

    Dr. Monkey – Interesting.

    Mike – I know there are people who are blissfully happy in their traditional marriage. I’m not saying we should do away with that. Just that there should be options for people who might like to explore them. And even though so many of you and your wife’s family are still married, I wonder if they are all happily married? They may seem fine to you, but I’ve know couples who stay married and make the best of things who are very unhappy deep down. They’ve resigned themselves to keeping the family together despite their feelings and put a good face on things. Sometimes they get to a point where they can’t do it anymore and we’re all surprised; more often they just stick with it. You have no way of knowing that. No matter how close you are to someone there are things between couples that they never share with anyone else. Or maybe you just have extraordinarily lucky siblings

  5. See I knew it.
    First an appeal to be left to enjoy cold toast and the next thing we see is a plea for polygamy.
    Where will it all end?
    If God had wanted polygamy he wouldn’t have allowed the evolution of monogamous marriage.
    Oh hell, I’m getting confused now and I think my head might explode again.

  6. I agree with you, actually. I can definitely see how a polygamous situation can result in a happy, healthy family life for everyone involved. I think it’s the loss in our society of grandparent support — in the past my parents and Sir Monkeypants’ parents would have lived in our town and been available to help out when needed. Since they are out of the picture around here, I do find myself thinking that a second wife around here might not be half bad!

    That said, I really am not good at sharing :).

    In any case, I agree that there doesn’t seem to be a good reason to make it illegal. I guess it’s to protect the property laws that pass down the father’s estate, but in this day and age, there can be many children from different marriages or affairs, so surely the law can handle the mix, no?

    I think it’s the social pressure and stigma that would prevent most from doing it. But I personally wouldn’t judge.

  7. I see your point. For myself, I’m quite happy with my current spouse; I wouldn’t want to be alone with several husbands though, the management issues would be simply staggering. I just wouldn’t have the energy.

    If I were go the polygamy route, I’d want the last solution. If the guy has access to several women, I want access to several men. Just not all to myself.

  8. If I were a third wife, I think I might enjoy not being the sole focus of a husband however, I would bristle at not being able to have another husband if I wanted one or at least a boyfriend. Now that I think about it I don’t think I could be faithful if my husband had other wives. So as usual, I cant make up my mind.

    I wouldn’t care if other people lived that way, but I’d be very curious about it. I might stare.

  9. I think I agree with Lola/Laura. If you can be married to several people, each of those people should be allowed to be married to several other people.

    All that aside, I would LOVE to hear my 77-year-old father’s ideas on all of this. His head almost explodes at the concept of same-sex marriage, which he says led him to leave the United Church, when it started condoning that practice.

  10. I think polyandry must be given its due. why should men have all the fun.
    one toyboy, one dependable good to be around house type[slightly balding,paunchy], one rich guy, one good with parents type, one good for social occasions kind- shouldn’t it be better?
    Especially because men can’t multitask?

  11. I’d like to recommend a sci-fi book by Robert Heinlein, “Friday.” It’s one that I’ve re-read and enjoyed over the years — Friday is a kick-ass heroine who is genetically enhanced but has a fatal flaw: abandonment issues and an emotionally troubled childhood. The book has her roaming the world on combat courier assignments (really!), looking for love and father-figures. It has an interesting slice on how a group marriage might work.

    She’s married into an “S-Group” (Heinlein’s term for a group marriage) and this is the highlight of her life, what she looks forward to at the end of her assignments. Loving husbands and wives, passels of children and pets underfoot, everyone knows her and all the kids call her mom. Through her own devices, she screws up this idyll, all while dealing with assassination attempts and discrimination. Go check it out!

  12. Heinlein in many of his books talked about the advantages of multiple marriages.
    I think he was a fan of the concept of the “line marriage” – a family that could have lasted for hundreds of years – taking on new husbands and new wifes as necessary – as in replacements for “divorce” and death.
    husbands and wives would necessarily of all ages.

  13. Lebowski: I just checked out Wikipedia articles about Heinlein, saw that he is credited for writing about “line marriage!” I had a WTF moment while reading the article about Friday, though—there is no mention of Friday’s group marriage. In my mind, that was a crux in the plot! When the group dissolved (her fault), amid “financial ruin” of the various members, she was left aimless and chose to relocate off-world (another Heinlein recurring plot device). The financial and legal matters of the group marriage format were featured in the book, as well.

  14. Bandobras – It all started when women got the vote. The whole damn world has been going to hell ever since.

    Lynn – Sistah! I think you’re only not good at sharing because you’re used to not sharing. If you went into the situation as a sharing situation from the get-go it wouldn’t be a problem. Siblings learn to share their parent’s love and love and space with each other, so why couldn’t adults learn to share?

    Jazz – Ya, I don’t even want one husband, never mind half a dozen. Nothing against husbands. Some of them seem quite nice.

    Laura – Staring is fine. I had fun staring at those people in the last photo. They all look so damn happy – except maybe the black guy in the back. He just looks confused.

    Bob – That seems fair and I think would make for a much more equal and harmonious family. And, I’ll bet your old Dad would love the idea of having several women.

    Lost – Good point, except who’s going to manage them all? I think it would be a lot of work for the woman to coordinate all those men and their duties.

    White Crow – Tell us more!

    Nylongthread – Sounds good! I’m not a sci-fi fan AT ALL, but I may make an exception.

    Lebowski – Interesting concept. See, I think there are all sorts of possibilities and advantages to group marriages

  15. XUP: I did term Friday “sci-fi,” but in complete disclosure, Friday more aptly falls into the genre of “speculative fiction.” I can’t read hard-science fiction that’s all robots and spacecraft easily, myself. Speculative fiction is softer, more of a “what-if” look at life, history, or society that often takes a technological twist or two and so gets lumped with sci-fi at the convenience of the publishing industry. You may like it!

  16. I saw Oprah yesterday too, and was actually wondering why it was illegal. The downsides I believe would be for that certain type of woman who does not believe in divorce having to put up with a succession of silly trophy wives. Also “Alienation of Affection” would have to be removed from the divorce cause code. Unlike most women, I could easily live with two husbands, but the second one would have to be able to do electrical work and cook.

  17. Okay…then why not just have anyone marry who they want, when they want, as many times as they want? Kids with old men, wife-swapping orgies, your dog and your cat…..

    …it’s all good. Who needs social standards anymore?

    Soon, we’ll have people asking permission to marry children.

    No, wait…that’s already happening in Bountiful, BC.

  18. What? women vote? When the hell did that happen? I’ve been seriously studying the bibe for things I can accuse people of and now you tell me of some changes to the voting laws.
    I’m going back to the bible I bet there’s something against that in there.
    Oh by the way I have never found a prohibition against polygamy in the bible but t must be there somewhere.

  19. Wouldn’t work for me but I see absolutely no reason why other people shouldn’t be allowed to live like that if they want (subject to them being adult, consenting etc). Hell, if a man wants several husbands or a woman several wives, let them have at it. Come to think of it, I am always saying I want a wife – someone else who notices when the bins need emptied and a load of laundry needs to be done and that the milk is running low. In your world, would I be allowed to keep Husband and get a wife of my own too???

  20. This is a great topic. I warmed to the idea of polygamy when I read the novel “Things Falls Apart” by Chinua Achebe. The wives in that book were like a team, they dealt with the strains on their family together and it read like a very beautiful thing.

    I have a friend who was raised in a country where polygamy is still practice (not common, but accepted), as are arranged marriages. His family is very close and he was raised not only with his blood siblings, but also his cousins- so multiple poly families working together. In their culture, there is a defined rank and file system for the wives that is respected, though of course there are struggles at times.

    My favorite outcome of his upbringing is that he just values other people so much. He came the to US alone and immediately used his resources to find multiple roommates, even though he could afford to live alone. He loves malls and team sports. He goes to my gym and he makes friends with everyone. He just likes to be around other people, he tolerates people in ways that I know I cannot. He is probably the most giving and caring person I know because he gives kindness unconditionally upon meeting anyone. People certainly earn his disrespect, he is not Mother Theresa!

    He himself does not desire an arranged marriage or to be poly amorous, but he does not regret his upbringing. He does not tell people about it much due to the predominantly negative attitude towards it. He does not believe that anyone should be forced into the lifestyle.

    Of course I am not down with anyone being forced or brainwashed into any sort of marriage or religion or pyramid scheme buying club, but if people choose polygamy for themselves, then more power to them.

  21. I agree that, as long as all parties are adults and are happy with the arrangement, polygamy isn’t a huge deal. And I can see the benefits of it. The main reason polygamy seems creepy is that the most common examples of it that we see usually involve midde aged or old men marrying very young, barely out of puberty girls in a cult-like setting. “God says I should” is never a good argument for why you should have or do anything.

    I couldn’t do it, though. But I’m also not sure I believe in “together forever”. Hence the reason I’m single.

  22. Nylonthread- Ya, it didn’t sound completely Sci-fi when you first mentioned it.

    Geewits – You ARE a dreamer. I imagine there must be perfectly normal people all over the world who are living happily in group marriages and who aren’t into some sort of freaky religious thing or Manson family thing. We’re just never going to hear about them because they’re perfectly normal.

    Friar –I don’t know you well enough to be absolutely sure, but I assume you are throwing the fundamentalist anti-same sex marriage arguments in here for comic relief??

    Bandobras – You’ll notice that polygamy was A-Okay in the B.I.B.L.E. – women voting, on the other hand was unheard of.

    Loth – It’s not “my” world. It’s just “the” world and in it everybody’s different and should be allowed to love whoever they want and marry whoever they want – within the bounds of, as you say legal age and informed consent. There should be no right and wrong when it comes to setting up a family dynamic. It’s just a matter of what’s right for the people involved – as long as they’re not hurting anyone, of course.

    Missy – Exactly and thanks for sharing your friend’s story. Of course polygamy is not going to be for everyone – just like our form of marriage isn’t for everyone. And, ya it’s not some sort of utopian perfection – where there are humans there’s going to be conflict, but it might work better for a lot of people. And, of course no one should be forced into anything, but by the same token, why on earth is it not legal?

    Louise – Yes! Like I said to Geewits, it would be nice to hear about happy, NORMAL polygamous families. But they’re not going to want to go on Oprah and they’re not going to be molesting children, so we never will.

  23. I think it’s kind of cool but I’d have to be a woman with two or more husbands. I actually know people like this and for years I thought they were crazy!!! I’m finally at a place that I’m actually quite envious now…

  24. @XUP

    LOL! Nope…If there’s anything I’m NOT, it’s Fundamentalist.

    And I’m not arguing against same-sex marriage. That wasn’t my point.

    Though on the other hand…polygamy. Well, to me, that’s where the line drawn in the sand starts to get a bit wavy.

    At what point, do we totally disregard the institution of marriage as the loving union between two people?

    Are we going to keep ANY standards in our society? Or will it be we just do whatever the hell we feel like it?

  25. I don’t think I could live with it. True, household chores and childcare sharing would be great but the night you heard your husband’s shoes hit the floor in the bedroom next door would not be fun. I’m too selfish and want committment to just me. Both my husband and I have been divorced by the way.

  26. Suriak – Thanks for visiting the blog! It’s very interesting that you know polygamists. Are they a mixed group or women with more than one man or vice versa? I’m dead curious to know how they manage things. Like I said, we only every hear about the freaks when polygamy is in the media

    Friar – Why does marriage only have to be between two people? I was just saying the same arguments were/are made against same-sex marriage. Why is your vision of a perfect marriage the only right one? The institution of marriage is a sham right now anyway. People change partners every few years. The divorce rate is well over 60%. Kids are shunted from one home to another to another . What’s so sacred about that? If people want to build a loving family together involving several wives and/or several husbands – one that may very well be more stable that our current institution – why not? If this is how people want to live, they will do it anyway. Why shouldn’t they be allowed the same rights and benefits as one-on-one married people? As for “standards” in our society – we worry ourselves about the strangest things. We want to stop people from legalizing their unions, but we praise and encourage all the crap going on in Hollywood; we pride ourselves in being the biggest consumers on the planet; we let millions of children live and die in poverty while throwing money at all sorts of overindulgence. Those are the sort of standards we should be looking hard at changing. – not worrying about preserving some artificial institution that has no business being anyone else’s business in the first place. Of course we have to keep protecting the vulnerable and if we ever get to the point where old men want to legally be able to marry cats or small children, I’ll be first in line to protest.

    CP – It’s a little sad that a couple has to “train” each other in order to maintain a harmonious life together. But I do know what you mean – compromising, adjusting to each other, etc.. I think that won’t be quite so demanding if there were more people involved. If you yell at him for drying his feet on the dish towel, in his mind you’re just being some sort of anal control freak. If he had 3 wives yelling at him for it, he’d realize a lot quicker that he’s the freak and stop it, no?

    Linda – Yes, it’s hard to imagine if you’re thinking about you and your husband. You have a totally different relationship. But if you went into the relationship from the beginning in a polygamous way, I don’t think it would be so much of an issue. I imagine jealousies and rivalries would still happen, but not in the same way. As I said to someone way back there somewhere, children grow up sharing their parents’ love and attention and sharing space and time with each other and there are conflicts, but it seems to work out pretty well for the most part. And they’re egocentric children. Adults should be able to do it, too, no?

  27. XUP, I was being facetious in my usage of the word training. However, the sentiment of my comment is the same.

    I don’t think people would be trained “quicker” unless everyone was on the same page. And the odds of THAT happening are so slim. I’d rather learn how to load the dishwasher the way he wants me to, rather than consult 3 other people…and vice versa. ;)

    P.S. There is nothing “sad” about my training program. :)

  28. Ugh. I, myself, could never be happy in such an arrangement. I am such a traditional romantic. Soul mates and the whole nine yards. HOWEVER, that being said, I feel no desire to inflict my “traditional” views on other people and yes, polygamy should NOT be illegal or – for God’s sake – a crime. It’s the same kind of prejudice a lot of us are fighting in California right now. WTF??? Why are so many people afraid of things that are in some way “different” from themselves? It’s sad. And you miss out on a lot of wonderful things in life. Imagine a world without that kind of prejudice or fear. I’d love to live in such a place.

  29. i do have a problem with how polygamy is *practiced* in the U.S. – but mostly because it’s practiced by fundamentalist nutjobs who base their entire ideology on the use and disposal of girls and women as breeding containers, to increase the numbers of followers of their empire-building, self-aggrandizing ‘prophets’.

    as a concept, i have no problem whatever with polygamy or anything else practiced by consenting adults. emphasis on consenting and adult, neither of which exists in the practice described above.

    @Friar, i understand reluctance to take on something new, but not just because it’s new or because people want it. maybe because it’s unexamined … ? new practices should be taken on carefully and mindfully, but practically no one in our culture does this with monogamous marriages/relationships either, so. it’s hard to stand on that crumbling soapbox.

    for myself, i find any exactingly-defined relationship a tough sell. i remain single (in a relationship), no kids, and have no desire to become more closely tied to anyone. i can easily picture a group where we have a tribal sort of association, and while everyone is free to come and go, the freedom and commonality are what compel people to stay.

    once some guy in a suit tells me ’til death do us part, i can’t help thinking of death. i’d rather think of life, and everything i can wring out of it.

  30. If I decided that there was no one person perfect for me, then a communal child-raising would actually be a nice idea. People find it hard to disperse sex and love to more than one person; it makes life more simple in theory to have one devotion and pride, but not necessarily more simple in practice.

    It would be fun to have a wife and a husband simultaneously though. The major complaint I have with monogomous partnership is the large amount of negotiation having to be made for any kind of sexual acts with more than your specified partner (simultaneously or apart from).

    Might have to have a number of weddings to make everyone married to every other. With 4 people you would need 6 weddings. 5 people would constitute 10…15 weddings for 6 people…

  31. CP – I know what you meant. I said sad because a lot of women unfortunately go into marriage thinking they can actually mold a man into their romantic ideal. Then they’re very disappointed when that doesn’t work out and blame him for being a lummox. When really he was a lummox all along and it’s their own fault for thinking that would somehow miraculously change once he was married. You guys seem to have your thing worked out pretty well. Not everyone is that smart and/or lucky. And why not just load the dishwasher the way you want to? With one husband you would tend to give in for the sake of compromise. With 3 or 4 husbands/wives, unless you’re doing something really crazy with that dishwasher I’d think they’d be more inclined not to make a fuss about it. Hell, if you’re happy to do the dishes, who’s going to rock the boat??

    Lesley – There is no such thing as too many comments from Lesley. It’s sweet that you have such a nice, romantic, idealistic view of marriage and soul mates. Single people usually do. I’m not sure actually that “illegal” and “a crime” are exactly the same thing. It’s illegal to be married to more than one person at a time in a legal sense, but you can live in a polygamous relationship without the benefit of clergy as they say and it’s not a crime. (well, it may be in several states somewhere on the books, but no one is going to throw you in jail for it – are they??)

    AuntieHallie – A woman after my own heart!! And yes, it’s unfortunate that we only hear about polygamy in the context of fundamentalist nutjobs. Really, there must be other, normal people living in polygamous common-law relationships who aren’t abusing women and children, but are living a happy, healthy existence. Oprah won’t be interested in them. Your last thought is very true. And the only reason I can think of for people who have the spirit and individuality to live in what you describe as a tribal set-up, to even want to legalize their union, is for financial type reasons. Spousal health benefits, insurance, death benefits, power of attorney, etc., etc.

    Aziza – I don’t think the sex negotiations would be any tougher than they are among married couples now. I understand that whole thing can get pretty intense. And the actual logistics of who is married to who could be tricky. That’s why one man and several wives or one woman and several men is simpler than several women and several men. 3 men and 3 women would require 9 marriages so that all the men are married to all the women. I’m not sure that all the men need to be married to each other as well or all the women to each other. Though I suppose from a legal standpoint they might want to. It would be a lot simpler just to change all the insurance laws so that you can have anyone you want as a beneficiary or on your plan up to a certain number.

  32. Your question was probably rhetorical, but I’m going to answer it anyway. :) I load the dishwasher the way he wants it loaded because I DON’T CARE how it’s loaded and HE DOES. Personally, I think having a “right way” to load a dishwasher is silly, but I do lots of things for love. HE has a specific way he wants things to be, and because I love him, I do it that way.

    Realistically, it was just as easy for me to load it his way as it was my way. And, after 12 years, I’ve forgotten the way I used to load it, so it’s a non-issue now. ;)

  33. well, i also have a problem with society ‘rewarding’ one type of family structure over another – (e.g. paper benefits for straight married couples and tax deductions for each child) because it’s also based on building an empire. logically, we don’t really need more people on the planet right now, do we? but if we want military might, then we must have population – so that way, it makes sense what’s being done here.

    it’s just not sustainable. *nothing* about what we do, socially, seems sustainable.

    we need us a paradigm shift, like, yesterday.

  34. Weighing in on this one. I recently saw a documentary on TV about polygamy and the problem was that the guy would take on younger and younger wives. There’s the issue of kind of feeling replaced. Not so much the idea of having other women to help share the load. (I’m not sure why I’d want to burden some one else with my shit in the first place, but, if that’s the going rate …)

    With my first husband, we toyed with the idea of polyamory and open marriage. I can’t say that I was thrilled by either idea. Him being gay/bi-sexual, well, that just complicated matters a bit.

    I remarried and am pretty happy with my trophy husband. I don’t think I’d want to try to get into a relationship with having to work so hard to keep other people happy too. One is plenty and, as is, I’m working plenty hard to be less bitchy.

  35. CP – You don’t care how the dishwasher is loaded and you call yourself a perfectionist?? (I know, I know, you’re being casual about it)

    Auntiehallie – No kidding about the paradigm shift! There was a big discussion over on Sibilant Intake of Breath about this — controlling the population growth and trying to find ways to sustain the earth with its current population. I don’t think too many people are taking this very seriously though. I laugh till I cry when I hear about all the “horrible cutbacks” people are having to make because of this economic crisis. Do you know some people have actually had to give up one of their family cars and now the kids have to (gulp) BUS to school???? Some people have gone completely insane and are only running their dishwasher once a day? Really, the madness has to end.

    TWIW – You shouldn’t have to work hard to keep another person happy at all. Happiness is a personal responsibility — not a spouse’s or a friend’s or a child’s or a boss’s. But I get your drift. It’s like a work team. When there are only 2 of you on a project it’s pretty intense; lots of hard work, heated discussions, pressure, overtime, etc. When there are 8 people on a team it’s much more relaxing. The responsibility is distributed so you only get a small share of it. Things may take longer and there may be more discussions along the way, but it will be a better, more creative project and much less pressure in the making