How to become a successful psychic

BOO!

Since it’s Halloween, I thought this might be a good time to share with you the secrets of becoming a successful commercial psychic. I’m sure some of you have genuine psychic abilities so please understand I am in no way mocking those with this tutorial.  Today I am speaking to those of us without any real psychic powers but who are looking for a spooky way to make a few bucks.

It’s fun and easy to learn to be a psychic:

 1. Adopt a persona. People expect psychics to be a bit eccentric and other-worldy, but don’t go overboard. Just a few odd touches that will also serve to distract the client a bit from what you’re actually saying – crazy hair perhaps, held up with binder clips; or some old, large and peculiar piece of jewelry; or just some really sparkly piece of clothing.

2. Anybody with some basic observational skills can be a good psychic. If you weren’t already interested in people and what makes them tick, you wouldn’t even be considering a career as a psychic.

3. Begin by telling the client basic things about themselves that are flattering and generic enough that everyone will be astonished at how accurately you’ve read them. Tell them they are wise old souls that have had to learn the lessons of life the hard way. No one will ever disagree with that statement. Tell them you sense a special talent or gift deep within them that hasn’t been given the opportunity to be nurtured and used to its full potential. Tell them they are very loyal to those important to them, but that this loyalty has not always been repaid. You get the idea. Just go on like this for a few minutes and they’ll be primed to believe anything else you tell them when you move into the “seeing into the future” phase.

4. People who visit psychics want to know about 4 basic topics: health, money, career and love life. You know this because you’re psychic and so will talk about these topics without them having to ask.

5. It’s a pretty safe bet to tell someone they’re concerned about a health issue. Everyone has, or knows someone close to them who has a health issue. Say, “I sense some anxiety about a medical problem – does that mean something to you?” Always prompt them with this type of question because it will give you good clues on how to move forward. Most people will say “yes”; some will elaborate. Tell them that the positive strength they have within them will help them meet the challenge of this illness and/or help their friend/loved one with their illness. Whatever you do don’t promise them anything and make sure they understand they still need to follow medical advice. You don’t want to get your ass sued.

6. Everyone is also concerned about money. Say, “Money has been on your mind a lot lately. Is there something special you need to know?” They might tell you or they might just want to know how their money situation is going to be in the future. Tell them it’s not going to be easy and it’s unlikely they’re ever going to be rich. (They waste their money on stuff like psychics, afterall) But, assure them that they’ll always have enough to be comfortable if they tap into their inner financial wisdom. (Always turn whatever you tell them back on to them with an “if” statement like that).

7.  Ask them if they’re happy in their jobs. Most will say no or not really. Cut them off before they finish and say, “Of course not! How could you be when you’ve been so undervalued by your superiors. They have no idea what you are really capable of, do they?” Tell them they’ll have to stay put for a bit longer but that you see a significant career move for them within a year. Say, it looks like it will be something in the arts. Most people who go to psychics also fancy themselves artistic.

8. Love life. This one is tricky but somewhere along the line you will have gotten clues as to whether or not the client is involved with someone and how happy they are in that relationship. If not, you can prompt with questions like, “Relationships haven’t always been easy for you, have they?” or “I see a dark/fair-haired man/woman, does that mean anything to you? (Adjust adjectives accordingly) or “I am getting a sense that there is someone who loves you very much.” Then go on to tell them that this person is either, a) their current partner; or, b) someone they already know but haven’t seen in a romantic light yet; or, c) someone they will meet very soon. (Depending on whether or not they’re currently involved and happy).

9.  Save some time to throw in some messages from the dead. Everyone likes to receive messages from the dead. Best bet is to announce that, “Someone who has passed  wants me to ask you to forgive them. I can’t see if it’s a man or a woman, but they can’t rest because they treated you poorly when they were on earth and need to apologize.” This will freak the client out as he/she tries to think of who this might be. The older the client is the more likely they are to have someone both mean and dead in their lives.

10. Finally, in order to give yourself an unassailable reputation of integrity, every once in a while, when a client comes in that you don’t particularly like, become very agitated as soon as they sit down. Breathe deeply a few times while staring at them, then look away, ostensibly to hide the horror in your eyes. Jump up and say, “I’m sorry. I can’t do a reading for you. You have to leave NOW. Here’s your money back.” And then hustle them quickly out the door.

 One last bit of advice – never do parties, people will compare notes. On the other hand, if you can have a shill at the party who will feed you information on the guests, then go ahead. Good luck in your new career.

Oh, and I am available for psychic readings via email. Send your questions to: urbanpedestrian@gmail.com

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25 responses to “How to become a successful psychic

  1. Pingback: Conspirama

  2. good post!
    I think a lot of self-fulfilling prophecies have been bred by psychics.
    I had a friend who had gone to a psychic who said she would meet “a mature, dark haired man” who would eventually be her husband. She did, and she married him. She likes to flaunt that a psychic predicted it – however – she even admits to not looking for anyone other than mature, dark haired men at work, parties, dating services, etc once the psychic had mentioned this description! “Why bother?” she said. Oh dear.

  3. I totally skipped over the entire post, because psychics freak me out.
    I had never had a reading until three years ago at a Halloween party. I was extremely skeptic, even thinking that psychic abilities were bullshit.
    But getting into the spirit (no pun intended) of the party, I decided to give it a go. The psychic said that because of the large number of people at the party, she would limit readings to five minutes each.
    So in I go, only to emerge about 20 minutes later, apparently white as a ghost, giving other partygoers second thoughts about having their own readings.
    She did tarot cards, palm reading, pebbles and an energy thing by floating her hand over my wrist. She might have used other methods, but I can’t recall.
    Sylvia told me things about myself that she had absolutely no way of knowing, which rattled me.
    She also told me that within the next two months, my job wouldn’t change, but my work schedule would. At that point, I ran the Assignment Desk at what was then A Channel, three days a week, and produced newscasts the other two. About a month later, the woman who ran the desk on Thursdays and Fridays resigned, and I took over the desk for the whole week.
    Sylvia also told me that within the next few months, someone in my extended family would die. Exactly a week before Christmas, my brother-in-law’s 43-year-old sister died unexpectedly.
    Realizing how we had gone so long, Sylvia gave me her card, and said she wanted to continue my reading at her office, at no charge, and please call her. I’m not sure if she knew I wouldn’t, but I haven’t.
    I like to hang on to a scrap of my skepticism, but am still a bit freaked out. I’ve been back to the same Halloween party each year since, but decline having a reading.

  4. Zoom – I am all-knowing and all-seeing

    Bandobras – I knew you were going to say that and also that you’d make a typo.

    Jazz – I’m set up! As the last sentence of the post says, I’m ready to do email readings for anyone who needs some information about their future. First question free for blog readers.

    Em – So in a way, psychics create the future. Like if they say, you’re going to make a positive career change in the next year, you’re going to go and start sending out resumes, right?

    Bob – You’re such a pushover. Read the whole post and you might get over your psychicaphobia. Seriously, I bet I could do a reading for you and I could tell you a lot of stuff about yourself that you don’t think I have any way of knowing.

  5. Bandobras – You have no idea. NO idea.

    UP – So, are you calling me a charlatan or a witch?

    CP – I knew that you thought that – HA!

    UA – Yes, I did know that, of course, I did. And a spooky Halloween to you, too.

    Bob – I won’t do a public reading, Bob. You don’t want your secrets revealed to the world, do you?

  6. Next time we meet, I’ll do you a tarot card reading. And then I’ll tell you how that works. (Hint: it’s not difficult.)
    PS Remind me to bring my cards with me – I don’t tote them around.

  7. I always wonder why they advertise psychic fairs on the radio. I mean, if they’re psychic, wouldn’t they already know when and where they are?

  8. Julia – Okay!! I have done a bit of delving into the tarot and I even have a deck of my own, but I’ve never really gotten into it. I shall remind you, for sure.

    Alison – I don’t think the advertisement is for the psychics, but for the people who are coming to see them, right? I was once in a shop and there was a famous local psychic in there buying 3 lottery tickets. I asked him why he needed 3 –surely one would have been enough? He just mumbled something incoherent. I kind of lost faith in the occult after that.

  9. Okay, so XUP read me.
    She did quite well, although I know she gleaned some of the characteristics from our respective blogs.
    However, I had to bust her on the final paragraph, in which she made a rather lame attempt at getting me to throw a monster housewarming party at the house that I took possession of today, and to invite her.

  10. You pretty much just described how that charlatan John Edward works. I don’t get how people fall for that. It scares me even more that a guy who runs the news not only fell for that, but didn’t read your post explaining it. The guy runs the news?? That’s was the scariest part of my Halloween.

  11. Cedar – I can tell you straight out that toothbrushes do not factor into your future career plans; however, I do think you’re due for a new love

    Bob – Don’t worry. I wouldn’t come to your dumb party even if you ever did have one, which you won’t, as we are all very well aware. But enjoy your new home anyway…unwarmed.

    Lesley: I don’t know — Dionne Warwick? I know I’m missing something important. (PS: You don’t want to go to Bob’s dumb party either even if he did have one, which he wont, as wer are all very well aware.)

    Geewits:I know. Everyone should always read all my posts in order to avoid a lot of mishap, danger and embarassment in their lives.

  12. I didn’t say I’m not going to have a dumb party — er, party. And if I do, of course you’re invited. I want a lot of witnesses — er, other guests around when I finally meet you in person. :)

    For a psychic, you sure are touchy!

  13. This is terrible advice. you do not have true ability if you are just looking at the person and looking for clues. you actually have to feel the querrent just as you feel yourself. that is how you give a good reading

  14. Here’s the bottom line for all you hard boiled skeptics. Yes….there are alot of frauds and charlatans out there who are quite happy to part joe public from their hard earned cash by using ‘techniques’ such as cold reading etc. However, in among the dross, there are genuinely spiritual psychics who are amazingly accurate and don’t need to ‘fish for answers’ but can just tell the person things that are specific to them and private, only they would know and also foretell things that ‘do’ come to pass. That, is the mark of a genuine psychic.