Never in my wildest dreams…

Part of wallowing in nostalgia these last few days has been being surprised at how different everyone’s life turned out.  Once we were all young, idealistic, narcissistic, artistes. We were fun. We were ready to take on the world and make it a better place. We had aspirations. We had dreams. We knew EVERYTHING!

Now we’re all old. Most of us work in mundane, non-art-related jobs. We’re parents, drive SUVs, live in the suburbs. And, interestingly, we’re all pretty happy with our lives.

If you’re under 30, you won’t know what I’m talking about because you still have a whole list of stuff you KNOW you’re going to do with your life.

If you’re over 30, maybe you are exactly where you always wanted to be, but maybe your life has taken a few unexpected twists and turns along the way. 

So, (and I saw something similar someone else’s blog recently, and I’m sorry I can’t remember which one)  finish this sentence: When I was very young, I never in my wildest dreams thought I would…

My answers:

  • Spend my life working in a government office
  • Be this boring (what happened to that artsy commune we were going to form?)
  • Be this poor (doesn’t every young person believe they will be famous and/or a millionaire as an adult? I’m not sure how “commune” and “millionaire” were supposed to reconcile, but they did in my youthful, yetfeeble mind)
  • Get so much joy (and paranoia) from being a parent (growing up the oldest of5 withmuch younger siblings kind of put me off the wholeidea of babysitting for the rest of my life – who knew?)
  • Be lucky enough to get a good kid (my mother always cursed me with, “I hope you end up with a daughter just like you! I totally believed here and was fully prepared for a monster.)
  • Own a computer (when I was a kid, a computer was 12 feet high, took up an entire room, cost billions of dollars and processed data using punch cards, whirring spools as big as your head and a team of highly-trained technology geeks. Also, in the movies, The Computer always ended up taking over the world)

Those were the days, my friend

Hey, remember just a few posts back when I was talking about Cheez Whiz and the disappearance of Cindy who I met at my very first ever post-secondary institution? No, I haven’t found her, but a whole bunch of people from that very post-secondary institution have found me!!

There’s a first ever reunion this coming weekend of alumni and I guess it took a while for someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows of my whereabouts to get me on the list. Too late for me to attend, but I’ve reconnected with a whole bunch of people I’d pretty much forgotten about.

Alas, none of them know anything about Cindy.

On the upside some crazy photos of a teenaged me have surfaced through all of this which I thought I’d share.

 

It was a small artsy school. Here I am doing something creative.

Here I am in a play. I’m the second one with the fur thing around my neck.

The Ultimate Relationship Quiz

Note: No, I did NOT copy this from anywhere. I wrote it myself.

Okay, so you’ve achieved the holy grail of humanness and are in a relationship, but maybe it isn’t quite everything you expected it to be. How do you know if it’s right? If you’re doing the best thing? If it will last? If you should stick it out? These are tough questions, so here’s a handy quiz to help you make some decisions:

1. You get hit by a bus on the way home from work; your partner:

  • a) Drops everything and rushes to the hospital to comfort you.
  • b) Stops by after work if it’s on the way home.
  • c) Is too busy to visit, but passes a “hi” along with one of your other visitors and invites a special friend over because the house was so empty without you.

2. For your last birthday, your partner:

  • a) Organized a big party at your favorite restaurant with all your best friends, and had a romantic surprise waiting for you when you got home.
  • b) Gave you a gift certificate to a place that’s been out of business for over a year.
  • c) Oops…

3. Your partner is “working” at the computer. You’re kindly bringing in some fresh coffee. Your partner:

  • a) Thanks you and asks you to read over the report being worked on to see what you think of it.
  • b) Grabs the coffee from you and stands pointedly at the door waiting for you to leave.
  • c) Unplugs the computer and screams at you about invasion of privacy while fumbling with something under the desk.

4. You used to stare at each others’ faces, lovingly, longing to touch every line and contour, and now:

  • a) Nothing much has changed except you know each others’ faces as well as your own.
  • b) You can’t remember the last time your partner looked at you and, unless there’s something disgusting growing on it, you don’t have much interest in looking at your partner’s face either.
  • c) Even a glimpse of each other across the breakfast table sets your teeth to gnashing and you both have to exercise extreme control not to smack the stupid smirks off one another’s faces.

5. Sex

  • a) Although you’re both very busy you manage to make time for some intimacy at the end of every day. It’s not always a full marathon, but enough to keep you close.
  • b) The last time you had sex you were both stinking drunk and barely remember it. You’re pretty sure it was 2008, though.
  • c) The last time you had sex was yesterday afternoon. You have no idea when your partner last had sex.

6. Your partner’s domestic habits have never been exactly like yours, but at first you learned to accept the quirks and foibles for the sake of harmony. Lately:

  • a) Your partner respects your feelings and has adjusted several habits to accommodate you and you have adjusted several of yours as well, so there are few household-related disputes anymore.
  • b) Your partner’s habits have become worse to the point where you feel they’re doing it just to spite you. Normal people don’t wash their undergarments with the dishes to “save water”.
  • c) The next time you see public hair on the bath soap, you are going to grab a filleting knife, hunt your partner down and remove all their body hair along with 3 layers of skin just to be sure.

7.  Money can be a major source of contention between partners. You and your partner:

  • a) Pool your finances and consult each other on all major purchases. You are both good at budgeting and your financial situation is healthy as a result.
  • b) It’s getting difficult to find hiding places for your money because your partner always manages to find it and blow it all at the casino. This is the second house the bank has foreclosed on in the last 3 years.
  • c) Both of you have quit legitimate work and are getting paid under the table by various criminals in case one of you files for legal separation and tries to take the other to the cleaners.

8. The thought of going home at the end of the work day:

  • a) Fills you with delightful anticipation. You’re looking forward to seeing your partner, cooking together and enjoying each other’s company.
  • b) Fills you with glee because you can’t wait to see what your partner’s going to say about that photo you emailed to your partner’s workmates showing a certain someone applying salve to their genital warts.
  • c) Fills you with soul-crushing despair. The thought of having 1st degree burns over most of your body is more appealing.

 9. Arguments:

  • a) You don’t really have arguments; just the occasional disagreement which is always resolved amicably and with respect from both sides.
  • b) There is nothing either of you could say or do at this point that wouldn’t result in a big, loud, nasty, no-holds barred fight.
  • c) The police are at your house weekly and you’re on a first name basis with all of the emergency room staff.

10. Your relationship with each others family and friends:

  • a) You’re all one big happy family and everyone seems to get along really well.
  • b) You’ve had sex with most of your partner’s friends, 2 of their siblings and one of their parents. You’re actively feuding with the rest of the friends and family members.
  • c) You suspect your partner’s family has taken a hit out on you and the fatal car accident involving your partner’s evil bitch of a mother was no accident.

Scoring

If you chose mostly “a” answers you are either in a new relationship, deluded or should have your own talk show.

If you chose mostly “b” answers you have a normal relationship and should count yourself lucky that you’ve found someone so you don’t have to grow old alone.

If you chose mostly “c” answers, your relationship might be on rocky ground. Some couple’s counseling is recommended.

15 Minutes in Time

Several blogs recently have posted something they call, “A Letter to my 18-year-old Self”.  It’s an interesting exercise: knowing what you know now, what would you warn your young self about; advise him/her about? I’m sure most of us have thought at one time or another – if only I had it to do over again, I would…..

But what about taking this concept to another, more global, level? Knowing what you know now, what would you do if you could go back to any moment in time and make one small change? You only have 15 minutes. Where would you go and what would you do? What would you hope to accomplish with this action?

You might, for instance, want to trip Frau Hitler at the top of a staircase when she first gets pregnant.  Or you might want to answer the phone instead of Watson and explain to Mr. Bell how this piece of crap is going to spiral out of control and that he should drop the whole idea and focus on the hydrofoil thing. (It wouldn’t have taken much. I understand he hated telephones).  Or maybe you’d drop in on Captain Smith and explain to him exactly how an iceberg was going to ruin his career.

Or maybe not even something momentous like that. Maybe you just want to knock on Elvis’ bathroom door in time to get his bloated belly pumped so he could grow old and live to give Lisa Marie a good hiding when she comes home to announce she’s going to marry Michael Jackson. Every little effort helps to make the world a better place after all.

I think I’d like to go to that grassy knoll on November 23rd, 1963 and bring a few cops along.  I don’t know exactly what sort of an impact that would have, but that date and event always seem to be pinpointed as the moment when the world lost its innocence. It would be nice to try and recapture that — kind of like re-virginizing — just to see how different things might turn out.

The Love Award

The very lovely and fragarant Gav from Gav Menagerie has bestowed a very lovely and fragrant award on my blog. Thank you so much, darlin’. I’m honoured and quite verklempt. I so feel the love.

Here are the rules:

- You can put the award picture on your blog.
– Link to the person who awarded you.
– Nominate at least seven other blogs that you love.
– Put up links to those blogs.
– Leave messages with the blogs you nominated.

It’s taken me a long time to get around to posting this and re-distributing the love. The blogs I’ve chosen this time are all blogs I’ve just recently discovered but fallen immediately in love with.  And, so, in no particular order:

Jacquie, Beth & Ellie’s blog  because I am always totally blown away by the lives these women have led and the amazing pictorial essays they present from various episodes in those lives.

 

Aziza  from Moderately Entertaining who is a very young woman, but writes with more skill, wit and wisdom than a lot of old people I know, and whose blog is much more than moderately entertaining You must visit!

 

Janna and her Jannaverse who has a most unique way of presenting her thoughts and has the most mind-bending thoughts to go with it.

 

Piglet from the Daily Piglet who is so cute you want to go find her and squeeze the headcheese out of her and who also happens to have a pretty kick-ass blog

 

Nat from From Nat’s Brain who is a local blogger (and those are always nice to meet), a runner, a mom, a bit of a poet, thinker and philosopher. Her blog reflects all of this in a most brilliant way.

 

Lost from Losing It, who’s not really losing it at all, but very cleverly finding it and painting word pictures about the things that speak to everything that is most human in us – a poet.

 

Recovering Straight Girl who is on a remarkable journey. We are privileged that she is documenting this journey as well as speaking about important and often painful issues relevant to all women. She does it with aplomb, honesty and wry humour.

Something I won’t be doing this weekend

The National Women’s Show is on in Ottawa this weekend. “The Ultimate Girl’s Day Out!” Doesn’t it make you giddy just thinking about it?  I had a look at their website and thought, “holy crap this is so insane, it would make a great blog post. I must go!”  But then my partner in crime convinced me that our Saturday would be better spent in more edifying pursuits.

However, not knowing what I’m talking about has never stopped me from blogging before, so I reckon this fabulous girly show is still worth a mention, even if I don’t go.

The show offers everything a woman could possibly be interested in: a token nod to financial businessy stuff to appease any crazy feminists that might accidentally stumble through the door, and tons and tons of Uber-Girly stuff: make-up, fashion, home decorating, food, losing weight — you know, all the things women are really interested in.

Like the ominous, omnipresent and unfortunately named:  Restylane® .  Try to imagine what this could possibly be.  Sounds a bit like a funeral home, doesn’t it? There’s a lot of Restylane® promotion on the website:  Visit the Restylane® booth at the show for ” A Natural Beauty Lift!”

Restylane® is some kind of “natural” substance (hyaluronic acid) that can be shot into your face to plump of those nasty human-looking lines. Yes, it sounds a lot like Botox, but, don’t worry, Restylane® is gentle and safe to your skin. (I didn’t see anything on the website about the possible side effects[1])

Another highlight of the show is a special guest appearance by this dude from The Young and the Restless:

Because all women watch soaps, so this is brooding hunk is bound to draw them like flies. I guess no one who had anything useful to say was available. 

That’s probably why they also got Medium Marc (his actual name) to come in and tell fortunes – ‘cause that’s the other thing all women are crazy about: You will be in wonderment of his predictions and his communication with the hereafter. Come with an open mind and let Marc put your uncertainties to rest. (I’m sorry. I’m really not making this shit up.)

Really, who better than a cocky, wise-assed teenaged boy to put all our silly middle-aged female minds to rest?

Of course no women’s event would be complete without free makeovers. The benevolent people at Il Paradiso Salon have given up their valuable time to transform us all from our frumpy selves into glamorous make-up laden beauties. Coincidently, all their fine products will be available for sale RIGHT AT THE SHOW!!!

I can’t believe I’m going to miss this event. After that nice discussion we all had the other day about pandering to gender, this would have made such a great follow-up blogpost.

Oh well.


[1] blue color or flushing or redness of skin, cough, difficulty in swallowing, dizziness or feeling faint, fever, redness or pain at place of injection, skin rash, hives, and/or itching, stuffy nose, swelling of eyelids, face, or lips, as well as tightness in chest, troubled breathing, and/or wheezing.

Meet my search engine friends

I get a kick out of reading the daily search engine terms list for my blog. I picture these poor lost people desperately trying to find information on odd or important topics and ending up on my blog. What ever do they do next?

Well, I got a very nice email from an American doctor the other day who was doing some unspecified research and suddenly found himself on my blog. He said he spent the next 2 hours reading it instead of getting on with his work. I’m proud to say that somewhere in the US a patient is getting less than excellent treatment today because of me.

To make restitution, I thought I’d help to redirect or answer the burning questions of some of my search engine friends right here and now to save them a lot of unnecessary googling.

  1. blog female [this has brought people to my blog 202 times to date. so many people with no real idea what they're looking for]
  2. how do I know if my helmet is too tight [the fact that you're googling this instead of loosening your helmet answers the question]
  3. “threw * down my shirt” [mysterious. I would suggest taking off the shirt and shaking out whatever was thrown down there]
  4. cucumber sizing [a fledgling farmer no doubt]
  5. long-term adultery [I don't recommend it and if you're looking it up it's probably not working for you]
  6. what is the white stuff attached to a fresh egg [this blog will actually answer that question. See A Word About Eggs
  7. tofu cure [tofu is a food, not a disease]
  8. naked man in public [Report this to the police, not my blog]
  9. infections stay on underwear? throw away [I'll save you some time and say, yes. Also cold germs tend to linger in your bras and other viruses in jeans. Always throw out your clothes if you become ill]
  10. sowing time of strawberries in Canada [Late January. The whole country stops work for a week and heads to the country armed with bags of strawberry seeds which they spend the day sowing over the fields. The seeds cling to the frozen earth and germinate and grow into small strawberry trees by May]
  11. liza minelli no makeup [I caught you Dr. Kevorkian]
  12. old toilet paper mites [I don't even want to know]
  13. funny reasons not to have a sugar daddy [that sounds like blog post research, let me know when it's done]
  14. odd things to think about [you've probably come to the right place]
  15. silver biotic bubbles in feces [Have you met the old toilet paper mite guy?]

And a few [scary] people looking for other people’s blogs and ending up here with search terms like: